Update from my Brother

this is an excerpt from my brother's blog ..i am sure he wouldn't mind me posting it on here:

First off, I want to extend a heartfelt thanks to those of you have donated money since the chocolate bonfire. As Clare mentioned on her blog, over $3,000 was raised/donated. I have opened up a new savings account, and have deposited the money in the bank. It will only be used when absolutely necessary, and then only for bills we fall short of being able to pay (because it might only be me working soon), and for gas money for Monica as she travels back and forth from her mom's. She might be staying up there more often from now on though, because Kim dislocated her shoulder last night, and that has added a new complication to her already insurmountable problems. So Monica left work this afternoon, not knowing when she would return.The prognosis for Kim is not favorable, to say the least. She's hanging in there, but with this knew problem, it's going to be that much harder for her. Adding to the stress, one of Kim's sisters, Monica's Aunt Carol, recently had a heart attack, and had to be taken back to the hospital a day or so ago for more surgery. So Monica has that on her mind too...the fact that she could lose her mom AND an aunt! Needless to say, she's barely keeping it together, and then only with the help of doctor prescribed medication. Neither Monica nor I are really "pill poppers," but the stuff she's on has been a great help, and has acted to take the edge off the pain and despair.Well, that's about it for now. Please continue to keep Kim (and now Carol) in your prayers, as well as Monica as she shuttles back and forth between home and her mom, and tries to maintain her tenuous grip on sanity.

Mother's Day

we stopped off today on the way home from glencove to visit with monica's mom, kim. i am not sure if it was a good thing or not that we were there...so we only stayed long enough to give kisses and hugs and then drive away. somehow i feel they are all more aware of the nearness of kim's victory over this disease...when she will leave this physical body which has caused her so much pain and truly be free...than we ever were with my mum. i knew my mum was going to die, but we just didn't talk about it...she rallied so many times, that was where we continued to set our hope...that this time wouldn't be the last time. seeing kim and being with her family, i sense a deeper alertness and a sadness mixed with the exhaustion of loving so much and giving so much and knowing that it isn't "going to be alright" this time. my brother picked up monica's sister who lives in florida from the airport today..and monica's other sister lives close and is there too....to "wait" and "stay" as monica says. even in her illness, kim is a grace filled woman...stil protecting and loving her "kids"...
please pray for this family...they are all in this rambling home with kim now...and i pray are given many moments of joy and clarity.

GlenCove

as i was driving away on our little excursion, i realized i forgot to write on here that i was leaving on a trip!! and especially after the little hospital scare, i am sorry for all those who read and care about me and would wonder if something crazy happened...but no! the only crazy thing is a wonderful thing =)
i have 2 very dear friends...chrys and john street, who are in and around 80 years old...and who have been like surrogate grandparents to me since highschool...i respect and love them both a lot. chrys was an art teacher and john an architect...and have threads of their art all throughout their life together. john now has alzheimers...quite advanced and it makes me so sad that they don't get out much at all anymore. but they are always so free and generous with their cabin...an old boyscout lodge on lake raburn that they bought and sort of remodeled in the 80's...i mean sort of bc they left the large side as is.....the windows still just with screens and the walls large and laden with books....and then built a smaller side that looks like a "real house"...
marie came with me for 3 days and then josh came for the weekend...it was so so good....
and my little esme has just woken up, so i'll go now and post these photos...more info later on!

Garden and "Kickens" Update

josh's rose is flourishing!
hillary's irises are vibrant!
jane's tree mallow is beginning to bloom.
my mum's favorite flower, the peony, is smelling delicious!!
and the chickens are HUGE!! at 6 weeks old! they will start laying at around 4 months old. they are enjoying their freedom and quite amazingly put themselves up at night! jack and harry chase them with jack yelling, " 'arry! no eat kickens!" the kickens don't seem to mind one bit and thankfully arry doesn't eat them =)

Uncle Andy

jack LOVES his uncle andy.
jack LOVES trucks.
but alas, he replaces the "tr" with an "f"...
we need a little phonetical help with this word or it shall get him into some trouble later on =)
grace gave him a bath last night...styling his hair makes the washing sort of worth it in his mind...though certainly not entirely. this is an area that he humors us as best he can for jack sees little reason to wash his hair each night and tells us so. =)

Birthday Evening

our super friends kelley and adam (who looks something like the statue of liberty in this photo =)) and andy and his buddy charlie came over last night to eat cake...which was DELICIOUS!! kelley brought me orchid clips which are supposed to attach orchid stems to poles...but also do nicely taming my hair...and jack's.

Prone Perspectives

what a fun day so far...i mean, it isn't exactly what i planned for my bday but how often it is that the unplanned is just as nice and often moreso. i still can't sit up without a splitting headache...i talked to the anesthesiologist yesterday and he said he isn't sure how long it will take for the hole to close....
jack and josh woke me up this morning with a beautiful bday gift...a painting done by our friend leslie...both josh and i love her artwork and i feel so special to have one...and in the colors i love...bright yellows and reds...
while esme slept this morning, jack and i moved to the couch downstairs and played "get in the hole" which means hide under the blanket from everyone =)
josh made my favorite cake..carrot cake...from scratch!!! and hasn't finished icing it yet but i wanted to get a process snap =) then josh weed-eated...or should that be weed-ate the garden and transplanted all our blueberries to a sunnier spot...something i have been wanting to do for a while but just haven't gotten around it to....
i have been reading off and on and just watching life in our home buzz along...contrary to what you might think...i love someone in my kitchen bustling about...it reminds me so very much of being at home where my mum would be cooking or cleaning something ...a beautiful white noise that comforts so.
kelley and adam and andy and natalie are coming over for cake this late afternoon...excited to see them!

Birthday Eve Flowers

as you can tell, i am laying down...but it has its perks =)
my sweet boys picked me flowers for my bday...which is tomorrow...and i have snuggled with esme all day in bed...what a treat!
usually esme has a hard time with gas so she spends most of her day attached to me somehow being jostled up and down which keeps her mostly content...but as soon as i stop or lie down, she is UNCOMFORTABLE. but today has been beautifully different...maybe it is the caffeine? whatever it is, she has cuddled down next to me and we've chatted, looked at people.com (thanks kassie!), read about rutabaga greens (we have lots of them and i just read we can eat them like spinach), how to make cheese presses, watched grey's anatomy =), checked out the weather and caught up on a few chapters of our books.
i had a marvelous gestalt this afternoon...i am supposed to be consumming caffeine to constrict the veins and close the little spinal hole...and what exactly has caffeine besides coke and coffee! the 3rd wonderful "c"...chocolate!!!
so, i feel this is a doctor order type of thing...i need chocolate!
hehe.....who am i to thwart modern medical advice =)

From my View

i have been sleeping in a little bed beside the crib...so when i roll over i am eye level with esme...so even though i am on my back i can still take photos!! =)
we all slept well last night...grace in the cob with the whipoorwills and josh and jack sound asleep together and esme and i out here....and i though i was good to go when the sun came up...but as soon as i sat up, it was like a knife in my head. it really is so strange...as long as i am lying down i just have a mild headache but as soon as i sit or stand, it is an instant near migraine.
anywho....
happy to have grace here to help out.

In the Hospital

first of all, PRAISE THE LORD for dear family and friends who are family too. i was nervous today about leaving esme and how long she would have to go without nursing and if she'd get any medicines through my milk and so on. marie came to the hospital EARLY this morning and took esme and literally brought her to me to nurse and then walked her and cuddled her for all the hours afterwards until about 3 this afternoon...i could cry thinking of how esme was just fine bc of it and didn't seem to mind at all that her day was so strange.
jack spend the day with his daddy...breakfast at big city bread and visiting with marybeth and kids and then home with grace to play...he too had a full and good day.
it took such a load off not having to worry about them.
i chose to not have anesthesia bc they told me it would be the quickest time in the hospital if i didn't and if i just did an epidural block, then she wouldn't get any medicine at all through my milk. it was kinda cool being awake for the operation and it wasn't a big deal at all...about 11 minutes long =) i had a clock to focus on =) they sent the lining to the pathology lab to be tested...we'll find out the results from that tuesday or wednesday...dr. cheves was interested in how thick it was...??
anyway...all done and i felt just fine...they wheeled me to the recovery and said as soon as i could go to the loo i could go home...easy ticket out, right?
well, the "saddle block" they gave me was quite efffective, i mean, i couldnt' feel A THING "down there" until i started to shake and had horrible pain. to spare you all the details, as i am sure this isn't nearly as interesting to you as it was to me in the moment =) they had to cathaterize me 2x getting out about 1300 ml each time!!
by about lunch time everytime i sat up, i got this terrible headache, then i'd lie down and it would go away....mostly. so, then the anesthesiologist came back and said it sounded like i have a spinal headache...which means when they did the epidural, it punctured something it shouldn't have and i am leaking spinal fluid!
this sounded worse to me that it is. they said i could do 2 things...drink a lot of caffeine for a day or so and it will constrict the veins and help to close it up...or have a blood block where they draw blood from my arm and put it in my back to form a clot over the hole. when the doctor left, the 2 wonderful nurses said "look, avoid the needle again...stay on your back and try the caffeine...if you start vomitting or it gets too hard to handle come back and then we'll do the blood block"
i liked the sound of their advice...
so here i am at home with the laptop on my lap =) lying on my back.
i can here josh feeding jack and grace bustling about making dinner and esme in her swing cooing...it is all very calming to hear our homelife whirring down there...
i am grateful it is over and only slightly anxious to hear the all clear on the pathology...i feel like it will be fine and either way trust that this is in God's hands...
the tiny voice in my deepest heart i have quelled with these assurances...but if i am totally honest, that tiny voice is begging, pleading with Jesus to let me raise my children...that sounds so melodramatic and i know this...but the entertained possibility makes me weak in the knees.
ok...off to "tee-tee" as the nurses call it =)
and how happy i am that i can do this. =)

D and C tomorrow

just went to the hospital for all the pre-op stuff and it is all set up for tomorrow morning. marie will be there to take care of esme and josh and grace will be playing with jack...he'll have a blast and wonder why mommy can't have more of these d and c's =)

Snuggling and Esme's New Dress

i thought the 3 of them looked soo cute this morning all snuggled in bed =) it didn't take long for esme to get ansy though so we got up and dressed. joan just made esme this adorable dress...it is so intricate and soft! she wore it the other day without anything but the dress and it was soft against her skin...she is quite stylish =)

Placenta not the Culprit

this morning, the kids and i met marie at chick-fil-a (or kick-fil-a according to jack)...she is always so good and calming for me. marie came with me to my first midwife appointment to help with the kids during the ultrasound. here, they told me there was placenta in the uterus and it would need to be scraped out (d and c). they called later today after a doctor looked at the scan and asked me to return to talk more. at this appointment, the doctor said the entire uterus is uniformly super thick which is most likely due to wacky, post partem hormones. so, they will do the d and c this friday.

i stopped by marybeth's house en route home and got to see my friend rachel and her adorable mubchkin meg too! i love that mb lives so close now! josh and jack met esme and i at 5 day star this evening...a nice dinner after a crazy day....

i love my little family =)