Wednesday, September 27, 2006


do you think that we must be forgiven and realize it to truly forgive someone else? if not, the words are like shells...they seem real but are hollow. just so as Christ says of love..., we cannot truly love without first being loved. i can not speak english unless it has been given to me by my parents. it seems that because we are first forgiven and loved without requiring to drum up these emotions ourselves, that our charity to others must reflect that First Love. but as in so much, i forget. and maybe the only thing that helps me remember is when i am in need of forgiveness. and that humility give me love. for surely, "he who has been forgiven much, loves much".

Tuesday, September 26, 2006


when jack falls asleep, i feel freedom. not at all to say that i don't love playing with him and toting him around on my back...i adore him like i have never loved anything before. ahhh, but when he sleeps. i know he is happy and warm and cozy so i don't worry about him at all. today, i just laid in the bathtub. no water. just laid there. there is a very different feeling when you have a child. a certain freedom you give up willingly but nonetheless noticed. even when he is asleep, some part of my mind is there with him, some bit of my concentration. and at the same time that i muse on the "old" days when i could just run a million errands or work outside until dark or nestle into josh for hours and hours not minding the world around me, i wouldn't change it. and sure, people SAY that all the time. " i wouldn't change it for the world". but i mean it. and maybe they mean it too and i always thought it was trite and rote. there is a part of the loss of freedom which is ok. like a deep deep love as opposed to a flighty one. the responsibility of jack is a glorious one, a weighty one. what used to be easy now takes time and effort. but not in a "i have to haul poop" way...more like, i know that one of the dearest gifts i can give jack is to love his dad well, so where i used to be able to just turn my head and there is josh, now i must seek him out, carve time just for a sense, "work" to be with him. again, it is surely not work to be with this man who carries my heart, but it is work to prioritize. a job which 2 free birds do not have to learn until they are 3 and must learn it.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Red Wine

i have created not 1, but 3 other blog sites and during each endeavor been thwarted even before reaching the final moment to post thoughts. but the mishaps have all been good...usually, the presence of my son, jack, wanting to snuggle or snack. there was a time when i'd journal. my favorite part of doing so was in all the afters. just after i wrote, i'd feel the relief of laying down troubles or the rest of knowing a certain memory would now not be lost. and long after i wrote, i'd reread and remember a time so perfectly. i always have a problem with the before. i can anticipate the thing so much that i end up not doing it ...the actuality somehow less than the possibility i dreampt up. but this forum seems easier somehow. my piano teacher used to tell me that pianists could be fast typist. i suppose you train a man to run on a track and the woods will not be hard for him to master. she was right. i like to type. without the presence of my piano, it is music. though certainly of a different type.
i am 30 years old... and i love my family...i love reading...i like sappy movies which make me cry and i love to squish my feet in clay. and though i don't drink alcohol very often, not out of any objection, the frank fullness of red wine in the evenings allows me to write. when i am tired, it doesn't make me untired, but it does make me rest in the awakeness...which means i can actually focus on 1 thing!
i look forward to this and to unfolding the unfoldable bits of our lives into this "blog",,,this journal of sorts. if only for the writer, i am glad....she finds must respite.